I admit, I lied, to you as well as to myself. I always thought I could get away with it. As a child, you would always bring that energy with you. Your infectious smile, that mischievous twinkle in your eyes, you knew that you could get away with anything by just flashing that smile; your endearing nature. It was as if I was a different person with you. As I gazed upon you, your innocence was so refreshing. “The truth weighed heavily on my mind, but you were happy, so how does it matter? “ I thought.
My brain kept warning me, that I must tell you the truth, that you would probably hate me for hiding it from you. But the heart is seldom rational. And I admit, I couldn’t bear the thought of making you sad.
The heart won the battle against the brain… I consoled myself. “If you are happy how does it matter?” As you grew up, in awe of the world around, I was faced with a battle (the first of many I might add) an internal conflict, your mother reckoned, that you, an innocent ten year old, the light of my eyes, were ready, ready for the truth.
As your mother walked across the length of the hall, approaching your room to speak to you, my heart sank, I stopped her, I forbade her from telling you the truth, from telling you what was rightfully yours. I knew if there was one person you deserved to hear it from, it was me, your beloved papa.
I knocked at your door, afraid to face you, dreading to do the needful, afraid of the truth. As you opened the door, you flashed that innocent smile blissfully unaware of the distress I was going through. It is amazing how in your presence, everything else feels inconsequential.
As soon as you saw me, you couldn’t control your excitement. You grabbed my hand and ran, guiding me as I followed you willingly, eager to discover the reason for your excitement. You had just spotted something on your telescope. I smiled incredulously, it’s amazing how as we grow up we start thinking too rationally, we stop being our true selves, always the puppet controlled by the world. I had learnt a lot from you, I realized. Often as we grow up, we smother the child in us.
Somehow seeing you that excited, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. You were so excited, you hugged me. I clenched you tightly to my chest, trying, to capture that moment in time, forever. “I love you” I didn”t realize that I had said that loudly enough for you to hear me. “I love you too papa” you replied unaware of the turmoil in my mind. “I have to do this Meher, please forgive me. “ I thought nervously.
“ Meher, I have to tell you something. I am sorry, I lied to you, you were not born to us, we adopted you….”
Often in our lives, there comes a time, when our entire world comes crashing down, when all seems lost, when we feel as if our entire life has been left marooned on an island of misery. I guess both of us felt that way at that moment in time.
You were stunned, you reached out to me for a hug, I tried comforting you, but deep down in my heart, I knew I could not reach you. You seemed lost, I tried helping you, kept telling you that you were my daughter no matter what.
As we hugged, a gentle teardrop plunked down on my palm, burning my heart, as we struggled to fathom the impact of my actions.
After a few minutes, you ran past me eyes swollen. Zara ran behind you. I felt lost; I sunk down to my knees, feeling alone, all alone. A while later, I felt an arm on my shoulder; attempting to comfort me. The hand was Zara’s; we looked into each other’s eyes. I welcomed the silence, as we comforted each other. But my heart bled for you, it still does. For the first time in my life, I cried, weeping silently against Zara’s chest, wondering when the pain would let go of me.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The weird concept of a watchman
In most cooperative housing societies we have this concept of a watchman. He is a man who is supposed to secure the building, yet he has nothing on him (not even a baton mind you) he sits by near the gate all day, reading a paper or sleeping on the chair. (what else can he do anyway?) his job entails washing the cars, and opening the gate when the cars come by. He lives in the motor room (yes that’s right!!) and is the society’s aadmi, at its beck and call.
But why is he there in the first place? It’s not that he can stop anyone from robbing the building if they wanted to. Its notional security something akin to building a three wall to ‘protect’ the building from thieves.
What is it about the watchman that makes people comfortable? Just one day, when the watchman isn’t there, I see people squirm with discomfort, suddenly worrying for the safety of their houses. Its weird we feel the need to have them around, yet we consider it okay to treat them in a manner ill befitting any human being. We make them sleep in the dingiest of places. I still remember how my watchman nearly died of malaria thanks to sleeping outside on the water tank. Yet no one did anything, no one considered it important to give that man a space, a place where he can truly rest. We pay them a pittance as salary. Mind you, more than half of that miniscule salary goes to the village to help his family tide over their monthly expenses. Yet when there is a robbery the doubt always goes on the watchman. ‘he must have aided the robbery’ what no one understands is the fact that the watchman is utterly dependent on this job, it provides his family with a semblance of a chance of living a decent life. I still remember how my watchman one told about the fact that he works in two shifts in a day. He guards my building in the day and another building in the neighboring sector at night. I asked him when he would sleep. He just shrugged his shoulders and replied “I have a two hour break in between the two. That’s when I sleep” he did this so that he could supplement his income. It’s inhuman, the way we treat them at times. Why do we need a watchman anyway? If we do is it possible for us to treat them in a better fashion?
My watchman earns close to 2500 rupees. My driver earns more than that!!!! Is this the way we should be treating these people? If that’s so, then one can truly say that slavery has never been abolished; it has but manifested itself in a different form to suit the workings of the world.
But why is he there in the first place? It’s not that he can stop anyone from robbing the building if they wanted to. Its notional security something akin to building a three wall to ‘protect’ the building from thieves.
What is it about the watchman that makes people comfortable? Just one day, when the watchman isn’t there, I see people squirm with discomfort, suddenly worrying for the safety of their houses. Its weird we feel the need to have them around, yet we consider it okay to treat them in a manner ill befitting any human being. We make them sleep in the dingiest of places. I still remember how my watchman nearly died of malaria thanks to sleeping outside on the water tank. Yet no one did anything, no one considered it important to give that man a space, a place where he can truly rest. We pay them a pittance as salary. Mind you, more than half of that miniscule salary goes to the village to help his family tide over their monthly expenses. Yet when there is a robbery the doubt always goes on the watchman. ‘he must have aided the robbery’ what no one understands is the fact that the watchman is utterly dependent on this job, it provides his family with a semblance of a chance of living a decent life. I still remember how my watchman one told about the fact that he works in two shifts in a day. He guards my building in the day and another building in the neighboring sector at night. I asked him when he would sleep. He just shrugged his shoulders and replied “I have a two hour break in between the two. That’s when I sleep” he did this so that he could supplement his income. It’s inhuman, the way we treat them at times. Why do we need a watchman anyway? If we do is it possible for us to treat them in a better fashion?
My watchman earns close to 2500 rupees. My driver earns more than that!!!! Is this the way we should be treating these people? If that’s so, then one can truly say that slavery has never been abolished; it has but manifested itself in a different form to suit the workings of the world.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The transient nature of our public space
Its weird really.. our malls seem to have taken over our lives. You must be wondering what the reason is behind this venom spewing. I just visited the Inorbit mall in Vashi. It’s Monday afternoon, and its jam packed!! I just couldn’t fathom the reason behind this. I always assumed that most of the people visiting malls during the week must be students, probably bunking their classes for the day in order to spend time with their partners.
To my horror I noticed that most of the people visiting this mall seem to be middle aged, some couples some families even. But what are they doing in the mall on a bright Monday afternoon? Its as if malls have taken over our public space. A visit to the mall has become a regular family outing, where one can feast on McDonalds, Pizza Hut and the likes. Its okay to eat junk, after all it’s a choice that people make. But what’s unnerving is the fact that this seems to be a trend. We seem to prefer overpaying for the food we eat in return for an ambience which consists of air conditioning and good infrastructure.
Earlier the prime areas where the city would congregate in their free time would be the gardens, and the sea fronts. It was that which made Marine Drive synonymous with Mumbai. It was the fact that one could sit with one’s partner near the water front, making small conversations. It cost one close to nothing, but the experience was one that was cherished. This was a trend prevalent pretty much all over the country, wherein such places would entail the development of a local economy wherein hawkers would cater to the taste buds of these families.
Change is inevitable they say, it is argued that people’s preferences have changed. Nowadays one prefers sitting in the confines of a well designed coffee shop, preferring the overpaid coffee over the heat and dust of the outside world. We seem to prefer having conversations with air conditioning rather than feeling the wind on our faces. Of course one still finds people doing that, but these are the ones who cannot afford a Café Coffee Day or a Barista, where the cheapest coffee often costs more than their daily wage.
As one walks into these places, one does feel intimidated, its almost as if that make believe world is challenging you, “prove that you belong here. It entices you, pay your way through, and you can belong to the rich man’s club, albeit for a while. If you can’t, too bad for you, the world is an unfair place, so remember to stay in your league”
These people are of course content walking along the pavement surprised at the fact that there is something in the world which does not cost money, a place where how much they earn does not determine how they are treated. At last a public space which is truly inclusive.
To my horror I noticed that most of the people visiting this mall seem to be middle aged, some couples some families even. But what are they doing in the mall on a bright Monday afternoon? Its as if malls have taken over our public space. A visit to the mall has become a regular family outing, where one can feast on McDonalds, Pizza Hut and the likes. Its okay to eat junk, after all it’s a choice that people make. But what’s unnerving is the fact that this seems to be a trend. We seem to prefer overpaying for the food we eat in return for an ambience which consists of air conditioning and good infrastructure.
Earlier the prime areas where the city would congregate in their free time would be the gardens, and the sea fronts. It was that which made Marine Drive synonymous with Mumbai. It was the fact that one could sit with one’s partner near the water front, making small conversations. It cost one close to nothing, but the experience was one that was cherished. This was a trend prevalent pretty much all over the country, wherein such places would entail the development of a local economy wherein hawkers would cater to the taste buds of these families.
Change is inevitable they say, it is argued that people’s preferences have changed. Nowadays one prefers sitting in the confines of a well designed coffee shop, preferring the overpaid coffee over the heat and dust of the outside world. We seem to prefer having conversations with air conditioning rather than feeling the wind on our faces. Of course one still finds people doing that, but these are the ones who cannot afford a Café Coffee Day or a Barista, where the cheapest coffee often costs more than their daily wage.
As one walks into these places, one does feel intimidated, its almost as if that make believe world is challenging you, “prove that you belong here. It entices you, pay your way through, and you can belong to the rich man’s club, albeit for a while. If you can’t, too bad for you, the world is an unfair place, so remember to stay in your league”
These people are of course content walking along the pavement surprised at the fact that there is something in the world which does not cost money, a place where how much they earn does not determine how they are treated. At last a public space which is truly inclusive.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Memories
It’s amazing how we perceive them,
Cherish them, repulse them even,
Painful at times, we often suppress them,
As I look back on the day gone by,
I wonder how I shall remember DIP,
This experience, this journey,
What has it taught me?
I paused, gathering my thoughts,
I choose to cherish what I have,
For not every success is a victory,
Nor every loss a failure,
I realized maybe I was pursuing the wrong things in life,
Success is relative, and I know I have grown,
I guess life is all about becoming a better person,
And not letting the shouting of the world drown out the inner voice of reason,
I choose to forgive and forget,
The slight indignations that we faced,
Refusing to let it sour my memory,
For I know now, what this means to me
As I brush off the disappointment,
Hauling myself from the ground,
Nothing can keep me down forever I promise,
I now seek a fresh beginning, a fresh learning,
What now I wonder?
I wait in excitement,
To throw myself in the deep,
To test myself once again,
For life is but a journey,
Of constant learning and unlearning,
- Adithya
Cherish them, repulse them even,
Painful at times, we often suppress them,
As I look back on the day gone by,
I wonder how I shall remember DIP,
This experience, this journey,
What has it taught me?
I paused, gathering my thoughts,
I choose to cherish what I have,
For not every success is a victory,
Nor every loss a failure,
I realized maybe I was pursuing the wrong things in life,
Success is relative, and I know I have grown,
I guess life is all about becoming a better person,
And not letting the shouting of the world drown out the inner voice of reason,
I choose to forgive and forget,
The slight indignations that we faced,
Refusing to let it sour my memory,
For I know now, what this means to me
As I brush off the disappointment,
Hauling myself from the ground,
Nothing can keep me down forever I promise,
I now seek a fresh beginning, a fresh learning,
What now I wonder?
I wait in excitement,
To throw myself in the deep,
To test myself once again,
For life is but a journey,
Of constant learning and unlearning,
- Adithya
On board the ferry!
Gazing out at the sea, as I watched the world go by,
I laughed, at the futility of this world,
Caring more for the reward than the journey,
When shall we learn I wonder?
To value the past before we value the future,
To cherish what we have, before we lose it all,
As my emotions engulfed me,
I looked around,
I saw a smile, an innocent one,
It filled me with hope and expectation,
And then I just knew,
Not all is lost
Not all is gone.
- Adithya Prakash
I laughed, at the futility of this world,
Caring more for the reward than the journey,
When shall we learn I wonder?
To value the past before we value the future,
To cherish what we have, before we lose it all,
As my emotions engulfed me,
I looked around,
I saw a smile, an innocent one,
It filled me with hope and expectation,
And then I just knew,
Not all is lost
Not all is gone.
- Adithya Prakash
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Where am i off to??
finally i am back to blogging!!! its been a while, and i must admit, blogging is a good way of reflecting on the actions of your past.. i have had a torrid couple of days.. but i must admit, i have a good support system. they have really helped me cope up with things....(swati thanks to u!!!)
i have just returned from visual arts class. today's session really got me thinking... how has globalisation really affected us??? in the quest to be global citizens, have we lost out on our identity which really made us feel unique??? i mean our country itself is a reflection of our uniqueness.. this class has really evoked this desire in me to be different. to be creative.
i always thought that i am NOT a creative guy.. but the career path that i see myself going on, i will have no choice but to be creative. and that is the challenge... hopefully i should be upto it...
i have a long long way to go. but i guess i need to be patient!!!!
i have just returned from visual arts class. today's session really got me thinking... how has globalisation really affected us??? in the quest to be global citizens, have we lost out on our identity which really made us feel unique??? i mean our country itself is a reflection of our uniqueness.. this class has really evoked this desire in me to be different. to be creative.
i always thought that i am NOT a creative guy.. but the career path that i see myself going on, i will have no choice but to be creative. and that is the challenge... hopefully i should be upto it...
i have a long long way to go. but i guess i need to be patient!!!!
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