Chapter 1 - Meher my child....

I admit, I lied, to you as well as to myself. I always thought I could get away with it. As a child, you would always bring that energy with you. Your infectious smile, that mischievous twinkle in your eyes, you knew that you could get away with anything by just flashing that smile; your endearing nature. It was as if I was a different person with you. As I gazed upon you, your innocence was so refreshing. “The truth weighed heavily on my mind, but you were happy, so how does it matter? “ I thought.
My brain kept warning me, that I must tell you the truth, that you would probably hate me for hiding it from you. But the heart is seldom rational. And I admit, I couldn’t bear the thought of making you sad.
The heart won the battle against the brain… I consoled myself. “If you are happy how does it matter?” As you grew up, in awe of the world around, I was faced with a battle (the first of many I might add) an internal conflict, your mother reckoned, that you, an innocent ten year old, the light of my eyes, were ready, ready for the truth.
As your mother walked across the length of the hall, approaching your room to speak to you, my heart sank, I stopped her, I forbade her from telling you the truth, from telling you what was rightfully yours. I knew if there was one person you deserved to hear it from, it was me, your beloved papa.
I knocked at your door, afraid to face you, dreading to do the needful, afraid of the truth. As you opened the door, you flashed that innocent smile blissfully unaware of the distress I was going through. It is amazing how in your presence, everything else feels inconsequential.
As soon as you saw me, you couldn’t control your excitement. You grabbed my hand and ran, guiding me as I followed you willingly, eager to discover the reason for your excitement. You had just spotted something on your telescope. I smiled incredulously, it’s amazing how as we grow up we start thinking too rationally, we stop being our true selves, always the puppet controlled by the world. I had learnt a lot from you, I realized. Often as we grow up, we smother the child in us.
Somehow seeing you that excited, I wondered if I was doing the right thing. You were so excited, you hugged me. I clenched you tightly to my chest, trying, to capture that moment in time, forever. “I love you” I didn”t realize that I had said that loudly enough for you to hear me. “I love you too papa” you replied unaware of the turmoil in my mind. “I have to do this Meher, please forgive me. “ I thought nervously.
“ Meher, I have to tell you something. I am sorry, I lied to you, you were not born to us, we adopted you….”
Often in our lives, there comes a time, when our entire world comes crashing down, when all seems lost, when we feel as if our entire life has been left marooned on an island of misery. I guess both of us felt that way at that moment in time.
You were stunned, you reached out to me for a hug, I tried comforting you, but deep down in my heart, I knew I could not reach you. You seemed lost, I tried helping you, kept telling you that you were my daughter no matter what.
As we hugged, a gentle teardrop plunked down on my palm, burning my heart, as we struggled to fathom the impact of my actions.
After a few minutes, you ran past me eyes swollen. Zara ran behind you. I felt lost; I sunk down to my knees, feeling alone, all alone. A while later, I felt an arm on my shoulder; attempting to comfort me. The hand was Zara’s; we looked into each other’s eyes. I welcomed the silence, as we comforted each other. But my heart bled for you, it still does. For the first time in my life, I cried, weeping silently against Zara’s chest, wondering when the pain would let go of me.